Wise words from beyond the grave

Below is a letter my father wrote almost 23 years ago to my cousin, at the time 13 years old. My cousin sent it to me the other day, with the following comments: "I reckon the content in the circumstances speaks volumes for the bloke that was Uncle Peter.

For what it is worth, and especially now that I am a father and because I believe I have a bit of a better understanding of family dynamics when partners/in-laws etc get involved, it is really amazing and special that your old man put his head out like this to offer me the hand he did."

I have edited some of the content to remove names and strong language.

6 March 1985

What have I done, I hear you ask, to deserve a letter from Peter.

Well, it appears to me that at the moment you are in a bit of a problem over there, which problem you didn’t make, don’t deserve, but unfortunately are stuck with. So I thought I’d write and offer you a bit of help and support.

The problem I talk about concerns the break-up between [your mum and dad] and how this affects you. There is also the fact of [your uncle] being around and stirring [up trouble], and [your brother] being away in Japan which means that you are not able to discuss things with him.

As far as I can see, [your mum and dad] cannot be put back together again. This is sad but there is not much that you, or me, can do about it. These things happen. First point: it is nothing to do with you, and is in no way your fault, so don’t get hung up on the idea that “if only I’d done this, or that, or the other………..then it may not have happened.” There is nothing you could have done to stop it.

The next thing that usually happens is that you think to yourself, well, why did it happen? – nothing just happens, there must be a reason somewhere. Well, this is partly true, but the way it goes is like this:

Mum left Dad because he did this.

Ah yes, but Dad only did this because Mum did that.

Ah yes, but Mum only did that because Dad did that before that.

Ah yes, but Dad only did that before that because Mum did that before that before that, before that….

And so on, and so on, and so on, and so on, ……I mean it goes for ever. And the difficulty is to try and decide just who made the first mistake. People only remember what they want to, how they want to. Which is why I say that you cannot fairly put the blame on anyone and just have to accept that ‘These things happen.’

You follow me so far? Right.

However, adults are just as bad as kids in some ways – worse, because they should know better. They are not prepared to accept that things ‘just happen’ and try and put the blame on the other side. Now, I don’t know, for sure, that [your mum and dad] are doing this, but [your mum] tells me some of the [nasty] things she thinks [your dad] has done, and I am sure that if I spoke with [your dad] he would tell me of some of the [nasty] things he thinks [your mum] has done. Now, really, the things may not be [nasty] at all, but each thinks that they are.

Now, because you are there, they probably both talk to you this way. Which leaves you with the problem of trying to decide who is right. The answer is that they are both partly right, and partly wrong.

When you are with [your mum] you probably take sides with her, and when you are with [your dad] you probably take sides with him, and I am sure that sometimes you end up thinking to yourself just whose side am I on??? This can be somewhat difficult and the answer is not to take either side.

Sure, you can let them talk, it makes them feel better, but you don’t have to agree – “Yes, mum.” “Yes, dad.” Is the way to go. I know this is expecting a lot, you being the sort of person who likes to be one thing or the other, but if you do be one thing or the other, and keep changing, it will muck you up inside your head. I can’t prove this, just believe me.

And always remember that neither [your mum] or [your dad] are bad, it’s just that they are having a problem which makes them act a bit strange at times.

The word is – be cool. Don’t let other people make you take sides in a quarrel which you didn’t make.

That is about all I have to say in general about how I suggest you handle things. There are some other things.

[Your mum] tells me that every time she and [your dad] try and discuss things concerning you, or things that you have told [your mum], he blasts you for letting her know. I think he is being very unreasonable – a big [idiot] if you like. You have to talk to someone. You can tell him I said so if you like BUT I warn you that if you do he will probably go right off and take it out on you, because he can’t take it out on me because I’m not there.

It’s a pity [your brother’s] away in Japan at the moment because you and he would have been able to talk things over. However, he is, and there’s not much you can do about that either. So the only thing to do is to keep on talking to [your mum], and put up with whatever grief [your dad] throws in your general direction. You could try talking to [your dad] but I don’t think he’s got much time for anybody else’s problems at the moment, being too tied up in his own.

There is the matter of you, [your uncle] and the Nissan. I think you did exactly right (pity about running up the bank) – I don’t know what [on earth] he was up to. All I can say is that he is also pretty [messed] up at the moment, with him and [his wife], but that is still no excuse. As for [your dad] telling you to grow up and not take things so seriously, he’s completely wrong and [very] stupid. I know I’d’ve taken it seriously, if it’d happened to me – I’d probably have hit him over the head with a bit of four by two.

I wish I was closer by to give you a hand, but I’m not, so this letter will have to do.

As they say, hang in there, bad times never last forever.