The Great Grey-Green, Greasy grease trap

"It’s been overflowing since before you went away," she said, accusingly, "and I can’t lift the top off."

So, as a change from website building, I spent much of the daylight hours today grease trap emptying, and what a pleasant task that was, I can tell you.

Step 1. Put on old clothes, or a pair of overalls, preferably both – it splatters – and a nice clean pair of wellies.
Step 2. Retrieve garden spade from where middle and youngest have been building treehouse city (don’t ask). Return there to retrieve pickaxe and stone rake as well.
Step 3. Having located grease trap lid several months ago before fosse inspection and cleared it of grass, mud and other encumbrances, nature has taken its course and grass again needs clearing from around circumference. This is where spade is initially useful, to isolate the 2 foot diameter concrete lid from surrounding vegetation, not forgetting the fact that the trap has been leaking for about two months, so lovely grey water comes into play as well. That done, it’s time for the fun part.
Step 4. Locate lip of lid, realising after minutes of frustration that lid is only 2 inches thick, not 6, so I’d been groping around too deep. Try to lift lid barehanded. Stop trying to lift lid after several efforts, use pickaxe to lever it up. Almost retch at smell and retire to safe distance to drink coffee brought out some time before.
On the left is not the sight that met my eyes, this is the state of it ten minutes later, after I'd removed several greasebergs (think icebergs, but smellier, and much more crumbly) which were in the process of oozing over the top. Having first found and emptied wheelbarrow of last year's blow up pool and other detritus.


The smell of a grease trap has to be experienced to be known, but think of the seriously gummed-up filter of a washing machine or dishwasher, last emptied who knows when, and the detergenty stink of the contents. Got it? Now multiply that smell by, oh, lots and lots, and throw in some rotten fruit smell. That's close to it, but not quite close enough, and too close is not where you want to be to a grease trap that hasn't been emptied for five or six years. Still, that's where I'd got myself.

Step 5. Use your spade, and/or a garden fork, to lift out large lumps of coagulated grease and fat, splatting them into wheelbarrow carefully, to avoid splashback. This compound is known in America as FOG - fat, oil & grease. I know this because after half an hour of seemingly fruitless hoiking of said lumps (the level hadn't decreased by much) I wondered just how deep to clean and just how to do it, so I went and asked Mr Google - the answer? Get a professional company in to do it. Well, at the prices professional companies charge, even if it is in US$, we weren't going to get in anyone. So, back to the trap, stick the spade in, touch the bottom at its handle depth, and decide to plug on and bucket it out, first digging a large hole in which to put it in and cover it up afterwards.

Several large holes and hours later, I'd done enough, to my mind, to ensure that it wouldn't have to be done again for, well, let's just say until the next time. And here is the after shot.
It needed lots of spraying with water, and a paint scraper for the seriously embedded bits, but I'm pretty satisfied.

The smell still lingers, despite copious washing of hands and scrubbing of nails, but I'm sure that will go in time. Just don't eat any of my biscuits that have a lot number of 309 and a use by date of 08 June 2008, cos that's what we're making tomorrow. You have been warned.